ONE LINERS  from Stephen Wright
 
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door
 went nuts.
 
If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that
 considered a hostage situation?
 
Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live
 there.
 
If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
 
Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
 
If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?
 
I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone.
 I said, "The whole time."
 
So what's the speed of dark?
 
How come you don't ever hear about gruntled employees? And who has 
 been dis-ing them anyhow?
 
After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of 
 the water?
 
Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?
 
If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?
 
I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are 
 furious.
 
Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
 
Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the 
 Special Olympics?
 
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
 
When a man talks dirty to a woman, its sexual harassment. 
 When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.95 per minute.
 
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
 
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
 
Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
 
Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people
 appear bright until you hear them speak?
 
How come abbreviated is such a long word?
 
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice 
 was cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
 
Why do you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery
 is dead?
 
Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
 
Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished?
 Shouldn't they be called builts?
 
Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?
 
Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they
 already know you don't have?
 
If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe
 is expanding, what is it expanding into?
 
If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, 
 would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
 
What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?
 
If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the
 other trees make fun of it?
 
Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
 
When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? 
 It sounds like a near hit to me!!
 
Do fish get cramps after eating?
 
Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?
 
Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge
 of everything outdoors?
 
Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
 
If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
 
When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go? 
 
Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, 
 it's not a door?
 
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. 
 Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. 

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