NORM MacDONALD JOKES

 "In Washington State, elementary school teacher Mary Kay LeTourneau
 pleaded guilty to having sex with a sixth-grade student....LeTourneau
 has  been branded a sex offender, or as the kids refer to her, 'the
 greatest teacher of all time.'"


 "David Kaczynski, the brother who turned in unabomber defendant Ted
 Kaczynski, said he plans to share the $1 million reward with the
 bombing survivors. He said roughly $400,000 will go to the bombing
 victims, and the $600,000, he will blow on whores and cocaine."


 "In Milwaukee, Wisconsin, a man allowed his eight-year-old daughter to
 take the wheel of his car, and an accident ensued that damaged seven
 other cars and injured six people. Which once again proves my theory--
women can't drive."


 "This week, after months of speculation, the sitcom star Ellen
 DeGeneres admitted that yes, she's gay. Inspired by her courage,
 today, diet-guru Richard Simmons admitted that he is really, really,
 really, really gay."


 "Reports say that Michael Jackson's wife is now pregnant with the pop
 star's second child. Asked why he decided to become a father again so
 soon, Jackson explained that his 7-month-old son is starting to lose
 his looks."


 "Carni Wilson, formerly of Wilson Phillips says that her talk show
 will be different than other talk shows, in that she will treat her
 guests with respect and dignity. And then she will eat them."


 "Kenny G released his Christmas album this week.  Happy birthday,
 Jesus...hope you like crap!"


 "The state of Michigan's legislature has just passed a law allowing
 the blind to hunt deer.  The biggest supporters of the new law? THE
 DEER."


 "The Artist Formerly Known as Prince is now going by just 'The
 Artist.' Despite this, I will still refer to him as, 'The Fruit.' "
 

 "Earlier this week Attorney General Janet Reno charged software giant
 Microsoft with trying to monopolize access to the Internet, and she
 has asked a federal court to fine the company a million dollars per
 day. Analysts say that at this rate, Microsoft CEO Bill Gates will be
 broke just 10 years after the Earth crashes into the sun."
 

 "Thurman Thomas has just broken a few of OJ's records recently. He now
 leads the Bills in touchdowns, and yards. Next up.... killing three
 people at once."


 "Who are safer drivers? Men, or women?  Well, according to a new
 survey, 55% of adults feel that women are most responsible for minor
 fender-benders, while 78% blame men for most fatal crashes. Please
 note that the percentages in these pie graphs do not add up to 100%
 because the math was done by a woman. [Crowd groans.] For those of you
 hissing at that joke, it should be noted that that joke was written by
 a woman. So, now you don't know what the hell to do, do you?
 [Laughter] Nah, I'm just kidding, we don't hire women."

 "O.J. Simpson did not spend Mothers Day with his children. When asked
 about it he replied, 'Duh! Because I killed their mother!' "

 "Playing in a music store in New York this week, Kenny G set a world
 record by holding a saxophone note for 45 minutes. While he did warn
 spectators that it would be quite boring, it should be noted that it
 is every bit as boring to hear Kenny G play different saxophone notes
 for 45 minutes."


 "The Beatles first new song in over 25 years, 'Free as a Bird,' just
 came out and it's just been discovered that there's a secret message
 by John Lennon when you play the song backwards.  The message is 'This
 song sucks!'"


 "In Virginia, police are looking for a stripper who stabbed a man for
 telling her she was too fat to strip. Police warn that the woman is
 armed and extremely fat."


 "The FDA has approved a drug used for anti-depression to help people
 quit smoking. Though it should be noted, the drug is crack."


 "A dog recently saved his owner's life, because he had been trained to
 dial 911.  Unfortunately, operators had trouble finding the address
 'woof, woof.' "


 "Christopher Reeve recently said that while he was recovering from his
 accident in the hospital, the comedy of Robin Williams convinced him
 to go on living. Meanwhile, the comedy of Pauly Shore made him long
 for the sweet release death would bring."


 "Rap star Hammer is suing the LAPD after he and his entourage were
 mistakenly handcuffed by police. The most shocking part of this story:
 Hammer has an entourage!"


 "Magic Johnson has received a $900 000 retainer to write a book on how
 not to get AIDS. Chapter 1: Don't have sex with me."


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